Jul 30, 2018
   Kino Cafe   

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Google reviews are the mortgage-backed securities of criticism: taking something that we all know is worthless and pretending that aggregating enough of it will magically create something of value. It doesn't, and pretending otherwise will eventually destroy the world.

Case in point, a flurry of one-star reviews for Kino Cafe. Except they're actually reviews of the Monday open mic that happens to take place at Kino Cafe. And actually actually, they're the final futile sobs of somebody throwing a tantrum because he had to wait too long for his turn to bomb.

Akhil Aggerwal gives the game away when he says "Alex completely disregards the sign up sheet," because while an audience member might remark upon the host being mean or "rough," only a comedian would even know about the sign-up list, never mind care. And only somebody who's never done comedy before would think the list at an open mic is first come first served like the list at a restaurant, rather than a chore list for the host.

Here's what I think happened: A guy who's the top dog in his friend group decided to try standup, and brought a bunch of his buddies. He signed up early and then watched as the host kept putting better comedians before him to try to make the show good and keep the audience from leaving. Eventually he went up, bombed, and then the host made a comment about his set to get the crowd laughing again. This caused him to lose face in front of his crew, but like entitled men since the dawn of time he deflected the blame, in this case onto the host, and then brow beat his crew into posting one-star reviews.

Or maybe he just posted most of them himself, because half of them have never reviewed anything else, a couple of the "reviewers" are company accounts, two have only ever reviewed vape shops owned by the same person and one of them actually is Big Bear Vapor. Without venturing too far into ad hominemland, I'll just say that vaping is to smoking what a vertical wind tunnel is to skydiving: a safe imitation of an activity that was only ever cool because it's dangerous. It's hard to maintain the attitude of "Don't give a fuck I'm never gonna get old" when you're puffing on a $125 inhaler. They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, but kissing an e-cigarette smoker literally is licking an asshole.

Unfortunately, there is very little substance in these reviews to review, besides the fact of their existence. Getting bumped at an open mic doesn't reflect badly on the show, never mind the establishment. Judging by these reviews, the comic in question is not gifted with insight or wit and the host was wise to wait as long as possible before inflicting him on the audience. The author(s) need to be reminded about basic punctuation, and Arjun Grewal needs to learn how to finish a

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